Jack Long and golf divorce

Jack Long is a golf-theorist and founder of The Paranormal Golf Institute. He is working on a series of articles based in part upon:

Cold War research documents in the field of paranormally controlled trajectories (PCT), documents recently discovered in the archives of the PCT Institute in Niblickvostock in the former Soviet Union; and his own, and other recent translations of the Golfnostic Gospels unearthed last year in caves near the northern Egyptian city of El Sandtrapya.

The Golfnostic Gospels are hitherto unknown secret writings which describe the Second Century doctrinal disputes between Caddyus The Upright Prophet and Paul The Great Associationist. Jack Long . . . Facts, Fiction, Hope

An Ancient Golf Divorce; E = MC; and Quaker Motorcycle Gangs ©

This is probably a good time to revisit the Golfnostic Gospels. As mentioned in the first article The History of Golf in this series, they were recently discovered near the northern Egyptian city of El Sandtrapya. They set forth the Second Century doctrinal disputes between Caddyus the Upright Prophet and Paul the Great Associationist

The Golfnostic Gospels established the fact that the game of golf evolved from the practice of shepherds hitting rocks with their staffs (the activity was known as Feriosaxum – “to hit the rock”).

We also learned that the shepherds of a tribe known to history as the Wandering Wackerites became so obsessed with Feriosaxum that most of their sheep died from being hit with flying rocks, many shepherds died from fatal neck injuries caused by swinging staffs with large crooks at their upper ends, and many neglected wives petitioned for golf divorce (the first recorded divorces in the history of mankind)

In the first article, I promised to relate a recently translated Wackerite Divorce Court Order.

Wandering Wackerite Divorce Court / Case No. 74

Davida The Devine, Wife v. Dufferus The Shepherd, Husband

ORDER DELCARING THE MARRIAGE FINITO AND CAPUT*

The Court Finds That:

1. Dufferus The Shepherd has lost his way and gone nuts* over Feriosaxum; virtually abandoned the lovely Davida The Devine; killed all but six of his sheep; and can’t work because of self-inflicted neck injuries. Further, he can’t hit a round rock worth a [expletive deleted]. And, he consistently takes do-overs* and uses the sandal-tap, loathsome practices of the hapless, unwashed* Mulliganite shepherds to the west.

2. Davida The Devine is beautiful, faultless and fabulous*. The Court will disregard evidence of her frequent visits with Rascalius The Cart-Salesman.

The Court Hereby Orders That:

(a) Dufferus The Shepherd may keep his work sandals, specialized Feriosaxum sandals, staff, tunic and matching boxers*, box of round rocks, and one sheep. Further, he shall henceforth be known as “Dufferus The Mulligan”.

(b) The lovely Davida The Devine gets five sheep, the tent, the two donkeys, the eighteen carts owned by her in her own name, and everything else. It is curious to the Court that she owns so many carts.

So Be It, ipso facto, non sequitur, badda bing – badda bang - badda boom*. /s/ Justicus

In the first article, I discussed the intestimus ludus of Feriosaxum (in modern terminology, the “inner game of golf”), Caddyus’ primary principle for finding the path to essential golf knowledge and peace.

We can now address another one of Caddyus’ fundamental principles. This is the principle that the “energy” needed for effective drives, fairway shots, and putts is a function of both player “motion” and authentic inner “confidence” - that is, E = MC.

We have reason to believe that many centuries later, Albert Einstein based his famous equation of E = MC2 upon Caddyus’ formulation that success at Feriosaxum requires an understanding that effective golf Energy = Motion x Confidence. The Motion component of the equation will be considered in future articles; the Confidence component (that is, the “inner game” component) was touched upon in the first article.

What is important now, is to assure the reader that during my senior year in high school in Pennsauken, New Jersey, I came very close to proving the truth of Caddyus’ insightful equation by using the tools of advanced calculus.

Those readers who had to suffer through a calculus course may recall that it is a branch of mathematics that is sometimes dependent upon the use of so-called “imaginary numbers”. When I was within mere weeks of finalizing my exhaustive proof of Caddyus’ equation, I spent a weekend in Wayne, Pennsylvania, visiting the home of a girl I was dating.

Since I was consumed with the work on my proof, I brought all of my work with me, and this turned out to be a fatal mistake. While we were having dinner at the St. Davids Golf Club, my extensive collection of imaginary numbers was stolen by a local Quaker motorcycle gang known as the Inner Heist. Hence, I was never able to complete my proof and, to this day, I have not been able to replace my collection of imaginary numbers. However, I was sufficiently along in my work to report that I have almost complete confidence in the truths expressed in Caddyus’ equation.

As stated above, I plan to impart important information about the “motion” component of Caddyus’ equation E = MC in the near future. Suffice it to say for now that “centered” body motion appears to be a critical component of not only the drive and fairway shot, but – surprisingly! - also the putt.

An Ancient Golf Divorce.10-28-05. No part of this article may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from Jack Long, PGI, 192 College Street, Burlington, VT 05401.

Happy Golfing!!!

Joe