TV GOLF ANNOUNCERS

Jack Long . . . Facts, Fiction, Hope

I watch a lot of golf on TV. It is generally enjoyable, oftentimes exciting, and I usually manage to learn something. However, some of the announcers are a bit of a mystery to me. Let me give you some examples of comments that I have heard over the past two years from some commentators: • “The best way to approach this hole is to drive the ball far and straight down the middle of the fairway.” (Thank you very much.)

• “It’s a good idea to stay out of the rough on this hole.” (Thank you very much.)

• “It’s going to be much more difficult to hit out of the second cut than it would have been to hit out of the first cut.” (Really?)

• “This is a tricky green – it’s not very level.” (I wonder how that happened?)

• “The sogginess of the course is likely to impact the play today.” (it has been raining a lot. What do you expect?)

• “Well, he’s in the fairway, but he hit that drive a little longer than I would have wanted to hit it.” (Say what?)

• “That was a beautiful chip shot, but I would not have used the 60-degree wedge.” (Who cares?)

• “If he sinks this birdie putt, he will finish this hole one under par.” (OK, I think I understand that.)

• “Remember, he made six birdies in a five-hole stretch yesterday.” (Wow!)

Some time ago, TV producers began to realize that some of their commentators were experiencing difficulty in trying to sound informed, authoritative, and stuffy. Their solution was to bring in some British and Australian commentators. Now, when a British commentator says “The best way to approach this hole is to drive the ball far and straight down the middle of the fairway”, we might pause for a moment and ask ourselves whether the British accent gives any meaning to an otherwise meaningless statement. Of course, it doesn’t, but perhaps hearing the foreign accent causes us to focus less on what was actually said. And, with the Australian accent, we are usually left wondering what the heck was said in the first place.

I don’t know any people who talk like they do, or who are as ultra-restrained and dull as they seem to be. I find that I have to tune-out many commentators. A few weeks ago, I was actually put into a trance by a team of commentators. For about ten minutes, I kept trying to tee-up an imaginary golf ball on an imaginary tee with my right hand, smoothing out imaginary sand in an imaginary bunker with my left hand, all the while making background bird sounds. My wife told me that she kept asking me what I was doing, but I was not able to respond. Finally, she had to smack me twice in the face to get me back to reality. It was a frightening experience. One of my pals is an electrician, and he has designed a device that I can use to give myself a low-level shock if I feel as though I might be slipping into a (GAS). In fact, I believe it was that experience which prompted me to write this article.

I have tried to imagine an employment ad for a TV golf commentator:

Wanted: A soft spoken, naturally dull person; incapable of showing the least bit of excitement; capable of repeatedly making obvious, monotone comments; preferably with a British accent; who will not be distracted by background bird noises; capable of talking in very hushed tones, to try to make insignificant things seem important; and able to make occasional fashion comments about golf wear.

I think that we – the viewers and listeners who are subjected to these announcers – ought to know a little bit more about them. For example, who are they? Where do they come from? How are they trained? What are their handicaps? Are they clinically depressed?

I suspect that more than a few of us could do a pretty good job as a TV golf commentator. I also think it would be refreshing to once in a while couple a “professional commentator” with a normal person who just loves to play golf. I suspect that the commentary would be more interesting, entertaining and colorful.

Jack Long is a golf-theorist and founder of The Paranormal Golf Institute. He is working on a series of articles based in part upon:

• Cold War research documents in the field of paranormally controlled trajectories (PCT), documents recently discovered in the archives of the PCT Institute in Niblickvostock in the former Soviet Union; and

• His own, and other recent translations of the Golfnostic Gospels unearthed last year in caves near the northern Egyptian city of El Sandtrapya.

No part of this article may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from Jack Long, PGI, 192 College Street, Burlington, VT 05401. Jack Long’s Articles appear on the website Just For Golf and are also reproduced on The Golf Cafe